Relationships . You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Its pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. You find yourself doubting everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours anymore. So, take a step back and breathe. Why would my husband choose his family over me? This is a reality many married women face in India. You cant force him to change. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. Indian mothers-in-law are said to be pretty possessive about their sons and so, at times they cause unnecessary fights and arguments with their daughter-in-law. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. And so did he. Find out about the latest Lifestyle, Fashion & Beauty trends, Relationship tips & the buzz on Health & Food. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. It's no surprise when relatives come knocking at your door any time of the week. Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. It's easy to see how it could seem that way. They care about you. So what happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your husband chooses his family over you? This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. Your husband is in control of his life, not you. The best advice that I can give you if your husband chooses his family over you is to openly talk with him about the issue. 1. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. Heres a request to every husband out there: Stand up for your wife and protect her from the attacks that come from the people close to you. Feeling second best in a relationship can be difficult to cope with, so what is the best thing to do if you feel your husband puts his. Once your husband receives help for his addiction, he will . If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. If you do decide to have a conversion with your husband's household or spouse's household, household dinners could be a good setting. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. He has to choose to change on his own and act accordingly. Talk to husband about his mother. Your husband may even be pretty cheery when relatives come, but he can also be oblivious about you getting stressed attending to the entourage. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. That way, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like. However, if the boundaries are shaky and a man's . Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. He has to choose to do things differently if he wants to have a future with you. In most Indian families, especially in joint ones, sons are expected to be there and fulfil every need of their parents, even if it means prioritising them more than their wife. So its time to act as such. Some people might be absolutely okay with older family members making decisions for them and ruling their lives so they dont have to adult, but if one of you is okay with this and the other isnt, then theres going to be conflict. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. I think you are making the same mistake a lot of step-parents make instead of accepting the reality of the situation. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. I left my whole life behind to create a beautiful future with you. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. "I don't hate cats. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. You have the right to make your own decisions. He's not even your boyfriend! We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. Remember, its his family. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. Ask for his perspective on things, so he doesnt feel like youre barraging him with a volley of issues about the people he loves, and allow for the possibility that there might be some situations in which theres misinterpretation. Remember that those people are his parents. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. Dont let your anger turn into resentment, Signs Your Husband Doesnt Find You Attractive, The Worst Thing A Husband Can Say To His Wife, 20 Psychological Tricks That Will Make Him Miss You. When you call me at 4 a.m. please remember that unlike you, my priorities do not consist of getting drunk. You need to understand why they said that to you; They are not your enemies., Accept them, they are like that. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. 3) Find Your Independence. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. Their motto is, "Once family, always family." By. The problem seems to be when your mother-in-law and father-in-law suddenly become intruders. Allow All Cookies. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. ETimes is an Entertainment, TV & Lifestyle industry's promotional website and carries advertorials and native advertising. Media Kit. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. In account of this, we bring to you some useful pieces of advice you can take heed of when your husband choose his family over you. Everything is going to be alright. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. So, my husband chooses his family over me. You are his wife, they are his children. The good news is that it can be learned for sure. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. Make it clear to him that you do not take kindly to his mother's interference in small things like this. In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. Women, here, have the upper hand. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. Seems like the sooner you wrap your head around that, the better. Privacy Policy . When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. Confronting and forcing him to choose between you and his family should never be an option. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. Send an equal amount of money to your parents and start visiting your cousins more, just as your husband does. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. 1. In this case, women feel alone and unprotected from the onslaught of the family. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? But thats not what I mean. You feel betrayed and abandoned by your husband. The theory is that without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won't thrive, so you're doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce. Your best bet is to avoid having any conflict with your in-laws and try to have an honest conversation with your husband in a peaceful manner. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. He may not have even questioned it. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. Its no surprise when relatives come knocking at your door any time of the week. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. Does your husband provide a large part of his income to his parents and family that leaves you and the kids struggling at the end of the month? This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. Manage Settings This website uses cookies. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy. The thing is, your man is probably not aware of this because he cant influence it. One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. You honor your parents when you put your spouse first. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. Im not just talking about emotional maturity, but physical and mental as well. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. Thats simply not true. So those nights you choose alcohol over me, please remember, I make you a priority, even when you have no reason to be one. Get expert help figuring out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. Unfortunately, the same applies to their sons. Else, continuous in-law conflicts will cause a significant rupture in your relationship with your spouse sooner or later. If your husband enjoys a close relationship with his family he may feel a bit separated from his family, now that he has his 'own'. I married my husband two years ago and we now have an eight-month-old daughter. Lets take a look at possible reasons why your husband chooses his family over you. The attitude starts to shuffle, the ideas are different, the future plans are different, and their responsibilities shift. Husband and wife both, have to take responsibilities and sides, when needed, of their partners. Its fine to be a son, but dont forget you are a husband too! My husband chooses his family over me. P.S. This way he should be able to understand his faults and then, in turn, you both can set some healthy boundaries in the marriage. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. This page contains affiliate links. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. He is putting his children first because he has a paternal bond with them that he will never develop with you. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. That is the reason you got married. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. Refusing to move far away from their mom, or even still living with her. But not choose her publicly. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. In those helpless moments, I would just pray to God that for once He exchanges our places. Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. Does he take their side or let them disrespect you? They have more finesse when handling such circumstances because they belong to the same gender, they have more experience while dealing with their own mothers, and then they are more in tune with themselves than the male counterpart. But God forbid you say anything about her. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. Thats not how issues are solved. It is scientifically proven that men cannot handle stress well and would duck whenever they would have to select between the wife and the mother. Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. It's on the Rogue River with 10 acres, a beautiful 3500 sqft home and an Adu above the barn. Do not let her put you down. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. If push comes to shove, the best that they can do is support their mothers. In the first case, the act of leaving is a, What Do Bible Verses Say About Family Unity and Peace, 5 Tips on Dealing with Disrespectful In-Laws, 6 Ways of Coping With In-Laws When You Feel Like an Outlaw, 7 Tips for Nurturing Family Relationships in Foster Care, Suggestions For Successfully Blending Families, The Ultimate Guide to Family Planning: Key Questions Answered, Types of Family Planning Methods and Their Effectiveness, 10 Signs of Toxic in-laws And How to deal with their behavior, 15 Tips for Setting Boundaries With Your in-Laws, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. Health . He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. He's your ex-boyfriend, or, if you prefer, your former fianc. Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. But there is a balance to be struck here. The partnership I envisioned was not the one he wanted. They are the only known and loved the face in a house full of strangers, at times. Why is it that mothers find it that difficult to see their son be. Simply, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. But sadly, for you, my pain is meaningless. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. 2. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. With him and make all of your decisions together feelings and can not really muster enough courage say... 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